Taking It to the Streets: Vancouver Edition!
Tonight the Boston Bruins won the coveted Stanley Cup in an astonishing 4-0 seventh game win over the Vancouver Canucks in Vancouver. Nothing says, “Fuck you, Canada!” more resoundingly than metaphorically raping the maple leaf nation at its own national sport on its home soil, which is now muddy thanks to the icy red, white, and blue semen that has soaked in thoroughly.
Needless to say, Canucks fans – known as Canucks – have taken to the streets to prove that Canadians can get mad about something. They have begun lighting trash cans and cars on fire and looting buildings, almost as if the rapture only happened in Vancouver. And what better way to exacerbate stereotypes than for Canadians to only get furious about a bad hockey game. Looks like everyone in Vancouver will be wearing Whitecaps jerseys next year.
Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson stated this evening, “This is disgraceful and shameful, and poorly represents Vancouver. These people are injuring themselves in the path of their own destruction. Thank goodness for nationalized health care. If – sorry, when they sustain major injuries to their heads and internal organs, they will need a stable, free health care to assist them. But now, they’re just taunting it.”
In spite of this game, this is not the first time an American team has beaten a Canadian team in the history of the Stanley Cup. In fact, a Canadian team has not won since the Canadiens in 1993, over the historic hockey powerhouse the L.A. Kings. As we can see, the victories of Canadian hockey are often full of great suspenseful games against teams that now barely exist. Fortunately, Canada remains humbled and knocked down a peg. It can now go back to its original feelings of hopelessness and self loathing.